


Touch

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Baby Harry Potter, Consent, Drunken Kissing, Eating Disorders, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Honest Conversations about Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Miscommunication, Mostly they didn't communicate, Moving In Together, Post-First War with Voldemort, Remus Lupin Raises Harry Potter, Sirius Black Raises Harry Potter, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29688366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It's November 1981, in the wake of the events of Halloween, Remus and McGonagall only know two things. That Sirius can't be the traitor and that James and Lily would have wanted him to raise Harry. They set out to force a trial, but facing the Ministry means that Remus must also face Sirius who he hasn't seen in over a year - who he hasn't seen since they made out at a party shortly after Harry was born. Remus loves Sirius, but doesn't think he would have kissed him sober. Sirius fears he took advantage of Remus' drunken state. Can they reconcile the past and work to together to do what's best for them and Harry?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22
Collections: Remus Lupin Fest 2021





	1. In the Grim Reaper's Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the prompt word for word! I modified it a little bit for the summary.  
> Prompt: In November 1981 Remus is only sure of two things: Sirius can't be the traitor, James and Lily were the people he cared about most. And Harry MUST be raised by Sirius. He and Professor McGonagall find a way of forcing a trial and proving Sirius' innocence. But after Sirius' release, things get complicated; shortly after Harry's birth, Remus made out with Sirius. They were both drunk. Remus doesn't think Sirius would have wanted to make out with him if they had been sober. After that makeout session, they had avoided each other, and the first time they had seen each other again was in the courtroom. Remus loves Sirius more than life. How can he be there for Sirius and Harry without forcing himself on Sirius? Meanwhile, Sirius thinks he had taken advantage of Remus' drunkenness that evening.
> 
> Huge shoutout to my beta [Coriaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriaria/pseuds/Coriaria)

Remus stumbled through the floo into McGonagall’s living room covered in mud and grime from months of living with werewolves. It had taken almost a week for McGonagall’s message to reach him and he came back as soon as he could. That hadn’t meant that he didn’t hear things on his journey home. Things he wasn’t ready to believe.

She offered him a cup of tea. When he looks back years from now, he’ll wonder why it seemed an important detail to remember. Perhaps, it’s because in moments of trauma our brain desperately tries to cling to any fragment of normalcy. He had told her no and demanded to just know what happened. She had set down her own cup and, hands shaking, had told him the truth.

He stumbled into a chair as she explained that Lily and James’ secret keeper had betrayed them. That Voldemort had found them. That they had died protecting Harry, but their love had allowed him to live.

It felt like a part of him had died with them, like the grim reaper had reached into his chest and ripped out the pieces of him that had been moulded by James and Lily, like he was bleeding out every compliment they’d given him, every warm hug when he needed it, every gentle kiss goodbye from Lily on the cheek, or playful punch from James, it was all pooling in a pile at his feet.

McGonagall just looked at him and kept talking steady and slow. He wondered how she couldn’t see the blood. He wondered why she didn’t ask him why his heart was no longer inside his body, why she wasn’t screaming, why she wasn’t calling for a healer.

She explained that the Ministry now believed the war to be over, that in their death the Potters had managed to banish Voldemort. She tried to hide her own hesitancy to believe that he was truly gone. She told him that Sirius had been found among a dozen Muggle corpses and with the finger of Peter, who was believed to be dead. That he’d been arrested and charged with murder. That he was to be sent to Azkaban for life without a trial. 

She only stopped talking when he started to cry and she left him alone for a bit, understanding that sometimes when we are drowning having someone nearby and knowing they can’t rescue us only makes things worse. So, she stood in the kitchen instead and pretended she didn’t hear Remus breaking. She set herself busy making more tea even though Remus said he didn’t want any and tried to not think about the bright young redhead, who had wandered into her classroom so determined to learn, using everything McGonagall had taught her to protect her son and having it not be enough. Tired not to think about the brave young boy with glasses and unruly hair, who was one of the best Quidditch players she’d ever seen, sprinting down the stairs so consumed with protecting his family that he’d left his wand behind. Tried not to think of the rebellious, snarky boy, who she used to give biscuits to in her office when he came back from break bruised and beaten, now rotting in a cell in Azkaban. Tried not to think of the unseeming mousy-haired boy, who had once wrapped McGonagall in a hug while telling his friends to flee the scene of a prank, betraying them all and leaving a bloodbath in his wake. 

As she stood there, trying not to think that maybe if she’d taught them differently, they’d be somewhere else instead of here, she hoped that Remus would come to the same conclusion that she had. The understanding that Sirius never would have betrayed his family, that the evidence didn’t line up, but that Peter, Peter who had always been so desperate to be seen, to be wanted, was the only one who could have made such an irreversible mistake. 

When it sounded like Remus’ tears had subsided for now, she made her way back into the living room and set the tea she’d prepared beside him. Remus smiled gently as he realized she’d made it just the way he liked it. Glad that this one tiny thing hadn’t changed.

“He didn’t do it,” Remus managed to say, though his voice came out hoarse and gargled like he was underwater.

“I know,” she told him, sitting down beside him and realizing for the first time how tired she was. “There’s only one person who could have.”

They sat in silence for a moment. The weight of their shared revelation hanging heavy in the air. 

“He has to raise Harry,” Remus said, breaking the silence. “It’s what…” he paused, not ready to say their names out loud yet. Not ready to cement their death in reality in another way. “It’s what they would have wanted.”

“So, what do you propose we do?”

“We force a trial.”

Three weeks, countless newspaper interviews, sleepless nights, and slander campaigns later they had managed to pressure the Ministry into giving Sirius a trial, arguing that it was unjust to sentence anyone to a lifetime in a prison without a chance to speak for themselves, knowing that if Sirius could say the right things that when combined with the evidence they’d gathered, they’d be able to set him free.

Six months after the Ministry agreed to a trial, Remus walked into the courtroom and saw Sirius for the first time in over a year. He realized how much had changed in that time. Sirius looked older somehow, more sullen. Remus wondered if maybe that was what living around so much death did to you. That every time you lost someone who mattered to you, they took a piece of your life with them.

Sirius looked up from where he was sitting, chained, in the centre of the courtroom. His eyes met Remus’ and he seemed to straighten for a moment before turning his head away to gaze at the floor.

When asked, Sirius told his story, trying to explain it like it was happening to someone else and hoping that it would hurt less. It didn’t. He confirmed what Remus and McGonagall had suspected, that Peter had taken his role as secret keeper for the Potters and that Sirius had chased him down in a rage after arriving at Godric’s Hollow.

He listened as McGonagall was called forward to testify to his character and tried not to shrink under the warm, sympathetic grin he gave her. He never felt worthy of the kindness she gave him, not after the hell the Marauders had put her through. She probably spent more time dealing with the four of them than all of her other students combined.

After her came Remus, and Sirius listened with shame heavy in his heart as Remus spoke of Sirius as a friend, as someone he trusted, as a good person. He knew that he’d stopped being all of those things over a year ago, at James and Lily’s party when Remus and he had kissed, but it had been more than that. It had been the last time all four of them were together. The last time Sirius had seen Remus before today. He didn’t deserve Remus standing up for him after what he had done and yet, he was still here.

He was so wrapped up in his daydream that he almost missed the last thing that Remus was saying, “Sir, Sirius Black isn’t only an innocent man, he’s Harry Potter’s godfather. James and Lily gave their lives for the wizarding community,” he said, tripping over their names still. “They deserved more than how they died. They deserved to have a better life. Please, don’t deny their son that opportunity. We can never repay them for what they did for us, the very least we can do is honour the wish of who they wanted to care for their son.”

Whether it was Remus’ heartfelt testimonial, the lack of evidence against Sirius, or McGonagall stature as a well-respected witch, Sirius would never know, but as long as he lived he would never forget the sound of those two words being uttered by the judge: “Not guilty.” And for the first time since James and Lily’s death, Sirius felt alive again.


	2. I Need You

They met up shortly after the trial. There was paperwork to be done and filled out and the media wanted to cover the trial. Remus watched Sirius flinch at the flashing of cameras and felt bad for all the publicity.

“I’m sorry,” he told him as he bent down beside him to sign another sheet of paper. “I can ask them to leave. Media was the only way we could think to put pressure on the Ministry.”

Here he was, sharing his first conversation with Remus since that night and Remus was apologizing to him.

“It’s fine. You have nothing to apologize for Rems.”

Remus gave him a smile, but Sirius could tell it was tight lipped. He remembered when shared grins between them weren’t such a foreign thing. They finished up the forms and set their quills down taking a moment to take in the changes in the other.

McGonagall watched from a distance and Sirius thought he noticed a glimmer of confusion in her eyes that the two didn’t embrace each other the way they constantly had at school. How was it that those carefree days were not that long ago? How long had it been since they buried their youth?

A Ministry official wandered out with Harry in their arms, and the media was finally shooed away once and for all.

“Dumbledore sent him to the Dursleys,” McGonagall explained as Harry was passed to Sirius. “Sounded like they were only too happy to get rid of him.”

Remus’ blood boiled knowing that wherever Lily was James was probably holding her back from fighting her way to Harry. She wouldn’t want Petunia to be anywhere near Harry, let alone be the one raising him. From what she’d told him, Petunia was the kind of person who couldn’t handle difference, whether it was red-hair or magic and it sounded like she’d married just the kind of person who would agree with her.

McGonagall made her way over to Harry and brushed a hand gentle over his hair, revealing the jagged scar that was still healing on his scalp. She then looked up at Sirius.

“I wish this story could have ended differently, but at least we were able to make one wrong right. If anyone loved Harry as much as James and Lily it would be you.” She gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and then went to give Remus a hug.

She leaned down to whisper in his ear. “They need you Remus. I know life has asked so much of you already, but I know you have the strength in you to be there for them. James and Lily might have made Sirius his godfather, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t know you’d be the one making sure they don’t get themselves killed.”

He smiled up gently at her and then she cast one more glance at the two of them before apparating away.

“They should come and take the rest of the paperwork away soon. Then we’ll have to get out of here,” Remus said, trying to fill the silence, so unsure of what to say.

Sirius cradled Harry in his arms and turned towards Remus, still unable to look him in the eyes.

“Thank you,” he said. “I thought I was going to die in there,” and then quieter, “I was ready to let myself die in there.”

“I did what James and Lily would have wanted.”

“And you?”

“I knew you were innocent. I had to set it right.”

Sirius nodded quietly deciding to not comment on the way that Remus had so easily avoided the question.

“Listen Rems, about last-“

“Ah Mr. Black and Lupin, seems you’ve got everything sorted out here,” a clerk said as she strode into the room, interrupting whatever Sirius was going to say. “Harry Potter is officially in your care and we wish you the best of luck. The Ministry apologizes for any inconvenience its wrong-doings may have caused.”

Remus snorted at that last line before heading through the door the clerk had left open. Sirius shot a quick glance his way, surprised by the bold show of cynicism. Remus had always been more trusting of the Ministry and Dumbledore. It had been so long since they had talked that Sirius could only assume that the war had changed that.

As they wandered out of the room and into the Ministry, Sirius stepped aside so he could talk to Remus a moment more. Sirius wasn’t sure where he was supposed to go from here and he was hoping that as always Remus would be his guide. That Remus would know what to do, the same way he always planned their pranks at Hogwarts so none of them got blown up in the process.

“McGonagall and I found a place for you and Harry. It’s in a Muggle neighbourhood but we thought that might be best,” Remus said almost as if reading Sirius’ mind. “Let you two get away from the magical world for a while. The rent’s decent. I hope you don’t mind, I had to make a guess from what I knew your uncle left you.”

Sirius nodded, still trying to process how Remus could be so clinical about the whole thing. He knew deep down that it was probably another way he was trying to keep this all at a distance from him, trying to keep Sirius at a distance.

But Sirius couldn’t do that, after James and Lily, and finding Peter like that with all those Muggle bodies…. Something in him had changed. Something had shaken loose that he wasn’t sure he knew how to put back together yet. How was he supposed to care for a child when he was barely holding on himself?

“Thank you.” He cleared his throat and braced himself for what he needed to say next. “I know I have no right to ask this after everything that’s happened between us, but would you come with us? I barely know what the Muggle world is like, let alone the first thing about raising a baby, and you had those little cousins you babysat, plus you had better role models when it comes to this whole parenting thing.” He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing Remus. We need you. I need you.”

What was he supposed to say to that? They hadn’t spoken since that party. Since Remus gave into Sirius’ drunken need to feel something other than everything that had been rattling around in all of them since the world ended. Since he let himself give into what he so desperately wanted, forgetting the consequences. Forgetting that Sirius wouldn’t have kissed him if he was sober, forgetting that he had so obviously shown him how he felt. How could they get back to what they were? How could he be around the two of them without feeling he was forcing himself on Sirius? How could he stand so close to what he wanted without being able to have it?

But Sirius was standing there so scared and alone. McGonagall’s words were echoing in his ears, and he knew he loved Harry just as much as Sirius did. The deciding factor though, was those last three words that Sirius had said. Despite the year apart, Remus’ stubborn heart hadn’t stopped loving him any less and no matter what he’d still want to be whatever Sirius wanted. If Sirius needed him, how could he say anything but yes?

“Okay,” Remus said.

Sirius beamed at him in a way that made Remus’ hearts do somersaults. The memory of that smile was a candle next to the fire of the real thing.

Then Sirius turned that warmth on Harry as he looked down at him and told him. “Come on little Prongs, it’s time to take you home.”


	3. Why Me?

As Sirius followed Remus into the apartment, he found himself overwhelmed at the amount of care that Minnie and him had clearly put into decorating it. Most of the furnishing was old and a little ratty but it looked like a home. There were even cups hanging over the sink, a kettle resting on the stove waiting to make its first pot of tea, and a few odd magnets clinging to the front door of the fridge.

“How did you...?” Sirius asked as he walked through the rooms taking it all in.

“When you spend most of your life scraping by you get good at learning to be resourceful,” Remus said, bouncing Harry in his arms as he gave Sirius a lopsided smile so he would know he was joking.

He wanted this to be normal. He needed this to be normal. And that meant ignoring whatever happened between them, ignoring everything that was warming inside of him in the look of awe on Sirius’ face, and trying to move on.

Sirius made his way down the hall to where the bedrooms were, and Remus realized that this might be a problem.

“There’s only two bedrooms. We didn’t really count on their being a need for a third. There’s a tiny room at the back though. I don’t know if it’s meant to be a study or a closet, but I could probably squeeze a cot in there.”

Sirius was standing in the doorway to what Remus and Minnie intended to be Harry’s room, looking at the crib, and the tiny Quidditch mobile hanging above it, the same one’s from Godric’s Hollow. He stared at them blankly, trying not to think of Lily’s body on the floor in front of the crib, trying not to hear the way Harry had screamed.

“Sirius?” Remus said and Sirius jumped as Harry’s hand brushed against his head. He reached up to gently untangle the toddler’s fist from his hair. “Sirius, did you hear what I said?”

“Yeah, um, two bedrooms. But I won’t have you sleeping in that tiny room with your gangly limbs. We can put the crib in there for now.”

“Have Harry sleep in a closet?”

“Yeah, he’s still so young he probably won’t remember it. Besides, once you’re gone he’ll have the big room back.”

“Right,” Remus said, wondering why hearing the reality said aloud hurt him so much. He knew this wasn’t his life now. That living with Sirius was only temporary but still his stubborn heart was holding out hope. “I’ll move the crib.” He said, moving to pass Harry over to Sirius to free up his hands.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said. “I can do it.” But what he didn’t tell Remus was how hard he found it to hold Harry without hearing those screams, without seeing James and Lily, without thinking that they should be walking in to take Harry from his arms at any moment. He couldn’t hold him without thinking that while he was Harry’s godfather, Harry would never fully be his, and that he’d live his whole life not really knowing the people he truly belonged to.

Remus nodded and moved around the apartment with Harry on his hip, pointing to things outside the window and giving him different kitchen utensils to hold that Harry looked at with absolute wonder.

As Sirius moved the crib and transfigured a bed, he watched the two of them from afar, thinking about how natural Remus looked with Harry. How he didn’t seem scared that Harry hadn’t spoken since Halloween. He didn’t seem nervous or completely lost. He held Harry like he knew Harry was meant to be there and he spoke to him like he was the most important person in the world.

As Sirius tore his eyes away so he could finish setting up the tiny room for Harry, he found himself wishing for the umpteenth time that James was here. He wanted to ask him why: why him? Why him and not Remus? He knew James and him were brothers, but how could he have trusted him with his child? Had James seen something in Sirius that he couldn’t find himself?

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Remus was trying to forget the feeling of Sirius’ eyes on the back of the head. Trying to forget the way that his gaze burned and ignore the way that he longed for him to look at him again how he had that night when he wandered into the kitchen drunk and looking for water.

Instead, he focused on Harry, on keeping him busy. He tried not to remember Fenrir crawling through his bedroom window, tried not to think about how his childhood trauma had changed everything and how he was terrified that Harry would live the rest of his life shadowed by what happened that night. He wished that he could protect him better. He wished he knew what to do or how to get him to talk again. The only thing he was sure of right now was that he had no idea what he was doing.

Yet, here was Sirius moving furniture around gently like it was no big deal. Picking up Harry and striding out of the Ministry like he hadn’t been hours away from being sentenced to life imprisonment for a crime he didn’t commit. He knew why James picked Sirius to be Harry’s godfather because he knew no matter how badly Sirius was feeling he’d always put Harry first. The same way he’d always put Remus first at every full moon. No matter what had been going on with his family, he’d always set it aside to be there for him and nurse him back to health. Why had Sirius wanted him here? What was it that Sirius thought he could provide?

No matter why Sirius had asked Remus to stay here, it was important that he continue to remind himself that it would never be the reason he truly wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, if only they knew what the other was thinking...


	4. That Night

They had been living with each other for two weeks and had started to settle into some semblance of a routine, or whatever you can call a routine when you live with a traumatized toddler who refuses to sleep.

Remus was trying to get used to being around Sirius again, but being so constantly close to him after being away for a year was a struggle. The sight of Sirius dripping wet with a towel slung low around his hips or that bit of skin that showed when he stretched out on the couch set something stirring deep inside of him that only the most boring and mundane of thoughts seemed to drive away.

But more than that was the emotional proximity to him. The sharing of meals, the planning of grocery lists, the changing of Harry, and the taking of shifts for who would stay up with him throughout the night. It was all beyond Remus’ wildest dreams of the life him and Sirius could have together, but it was all wrong in the way that it came together.

Any thoughts of intimacy were firmly held adrift but the very real physical divide between the two of them. Despite living in such small quarters, it was like they each had a forcefield around them that kept the other at bay. They were two separate planets who spent their days orbiting one another without coming into contact. That was, until one day those bubbles were popped.

Harry had been up all throughout the night again. It seemed every time he fell asleep, he’d be up and screaming only fifteen minutes later. He was eating better and while he still wasn’t speaking, he seemed to be in better spirits, but Sirius and Remus were both exhausted by the relentless cycles of waking that meant neither of them got any sleep. The apartment was so small that it didn’t matter whose turn it was to be with Harry, the screaming meant none of them were getting any rest.

Maybe that was why when Sirius slipped into the kitchen in the morning, bleary eyed and in search of caffeine, he laid his hand on Remus’ back as he went to move around where he was cutting fruit up for Harry to grab a spoon.

It was nothing. A tiny touch. A moment most people who share a home wouldn’t think twice about, but this was the most Sirius had touched him besides the brushing of hands when they handed Harry to one another. It was also how it had all started that night.

Shortly after Harry was born, Lily and James had a party at their house. It was really just a group of close friends sitting and drinking and trying to forget about the war that was threatening their very existence. Trying not to think about the people who weren’t there who should have been, or how the next time they got to do this the number could be even less.

Either way, with the exception of James and Lily everyone was a lot more sloshed than they usually would have been. Remus had made his way into the kitchen in search of another bottle opener after Marlene somehow managed to misplace the other one. Sirius, wanting to ward off the impending hangover of the next day came into the kitchen to get some water. As he moved around Remus to get to the cupboard where the Potters kept their glasses, he lay his hand on the small of Remus back and Remus froze. The same way he had right now and as Sirius took the cup down and set it on the counter, he turned to face Remus and they were so close their noses almost brushed together.

Remus didn’t know who moved first or maybe they both leaned in together, but the next thing he knew all thoughts of finding a bottle opener were gone as Sirius’ mouth was on top of his. They kissed hungrily, tongues searching desperately. Sirius moved Remus so that he could press him against the fridge, and he slipped a hand up the back of Sirius’ shirt feeling his warm flesh. Sirius dug one hand into Remus’ curls while the other followed the same trajectory Remus’ had.

Remus wasn’t sure how long they made out for or at what point their arousal had become so much that they were both moaning into each other’s mouth as they pushed each other’s bodies against one another in just the right ways. Sirius’ hands had been sliding lower, down to Remus’ belt when they heard James’ feet and voice coming into the kitchen.

“Remus?” He had called out. “You find that bottle opener yet?”

They had quickly separated from each other. Sirius had turned his back to the kitchen door and Remus immediately pulled open a few drawers to hide his obvious arousal as he worked to school his face into an expression of someone who hadn’t just made out with their best friend and the man they’d been secretly crushing on for years.

James had wandered into the kitchen and asked Remus what was taking so long. Remus had told him that Sirius and him had been talking and quickly produced the other bottle opener. James asked if he was feeling okay since he looked quite flushed. Remus had felt Sirius tense behind him as he told James it was just the firewhiskey. James had furrowed his brow and glanced around the kitchen for a moment longer before heading back to the living room and telling them to join him soon.

And that had been it. After a few more moments to calm themselves down, they both headed back to the party. They didn’t say anything more to one another and the next morning Dumbledore had sent him out to infiltrate werewolf packs in Wales. It was the last time they’d all been together. The last time he’d seen Sirius before the trial.

He’d thought of that night often though, and while he knew it was a combination of the alcohol and the fear surrounding the war that had caused Sirius to kiss him, he couldn’t let go of the memory of the way Sirius’ lips had felt on his. The way he had mussed up his curls. The strong feel of his hand as it slid along the planes of his back.

That same hand that was resting on his back right now.

Remus tensed without even thinking and Sirius quickly snatched his hand away.

He quickly started mumbling apologies about being overtired, and that he shouldn’t have done anything, and he wasn’t thinking straight, and Remus was done, just so done, with having Sirius avoid him., with having Sirius feel like touching him was poison.

If he knew how uncomfortable that kiss would have made him. If he knew that revealing his heart’s fondest desire to Sirius in a drunken haze would mean that Sirius would never touch him again, that he would refuse physical contact in fear that he might be insinuating something else, Remus would take it all back in a heartbeat. 

Was the thought of being with Remus that terrible that Sirius couldn’t even bear to place his hand on his back in the most innocent of ways?

“It’s fine,” Remus mumbled as he finished cutting Harry’s breakfast and brought it over to the highchair where he was currently sitting and smashing his teddy against the table.

They barely said anything to each other for the rest of the meal and Sirius refused to look at him, always moving his eyes elsewhere when Sirius tried to catch his gaze. It made Remus feel sick.

“I have to go somewhere tonight,” Remus said, despite the fact that he didn’t have any plans for the evening until this moment. “Are you okay to stay here with Harry?”

“Of course,” Sirius said, more to his oatmeal than to Remus.

Remus nodded sharply and took a last half-hearted bite of his breakfast before heading into the kitchen to get a cloth to clean Harry up. Tonight, he was going to go out and drink. He was going to drink until he could forget how Sirius and him used to walk through the halls of Hogwarts hand and hand, how they once stared into each other’s eyes for fifteen minutes to see if it would let them read each other’s thoughts, that they’d once made out drunk and it had ruined everything.

If he was lucky, he’d find some other man at the bar, Remus would let him take him home and fuck him hard until Remus could forget the feel of Sirius’ skin on his and the way that now the very thought of it seemed to make Sirius want to vomit.


	5. Vulnerable

Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Remus to come home. He knew Remus was an adult and that he could take care of himself, but that fear from the war was still lingering and with it the feeling that someone coming home late wasn’t just bad traffic or missing the last subway. There was a feeling of dread growing in his stomach that reminded Sirius too much of that night. The way that he had known. Even before hearing anything, even before getting to Godric’s Hollow, he had felt in his heart that something was wrong. He wondered if Remus had felt it too, wherever he had been.

It was after one in the morning when Remus finally came home.

“Remus,” Sirius said, getting up hurriedly to help him as he was obviously staggering. “I was so worried about you. What happened?”

But then the smell of booze washed over him, and Remus looked up at him with that familiar glassy look in his eyes. He stumbled, hitting the wall loudly as Sirius struggled to keep him standing.

“Shhh,” Remus giggled. “Don’t want to wake the baby.” And then he let out a sound that was somewhere between a hiccup and a hysterical laugh that sent chills up and down Sirius’ spine.

“Come on,” Sirius said. “Let’s get you to bed.”

As he helped Remus down the hall, he couldn’t help but think about how vulnerable he was. How vulnerable they all were. It was a thought that came to him often when he was changing Harry or feeding him or picking him up from his crib. It was terrifying how little autonomy he had. How much he relied on Sirius and trusted him to do the right thing. Maybe it was why parents have such a hard time letting go. Not that he’d know anything about that with the way his parents had been.

But with Remus this was different. Tonight, he wasn’t sure if Remus had gone out with the intention to drink this much, but in school it was a regular occurrence. Every weekend, one of them would stay sober enough to look after the other three. It was an unspoken understanding, a responsibility that they passed without complaining. They trusted whoever was on mom duty to help them to bed, get them water, have a hangover potion ready for the morning, make sure they didn’t slip and crack their head open in the bathroom, or choke on their own vomit when they inevitably threw up. It had seemed so young and commonplace back then. But now, with his arm around Remus for the first time since Sirius fucked everything up, he understood how sacred the bond between them was. That they had trusted each other in their most vulnerable states, when their bodies were no longer in their control. And Sirius had violated that trust.

One drunken make-out session was all it took to shatter that delicate bond that had taken years to build. And here Remus was, pissed out of his mind, and willingly or not placing himself back into Sirius’ arms and hoping he wouldn’t hurt him. Just the thought of it made Sirius uncomfortable because it shouldn’t be him here doing this now. He lost the right to be that person when he’d violated Remus trust. He’d lost the right for anyone to trust him when he let James and Lily die.

Sirius set Remus down on his bed and told him to stay before wandering out into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He lingered for a little longer than he should, hands clenched around the countertop trying to make sense of this mess before heading back into Remus’ room. Remus was flopped over on the bed, still in his clothes, and already almost half asleep.

“Come on Rems, sit up for me,” Sirius said as he guided him back to sitting. If this had been years ago, if they were still teenagers, Sirius would have helped him out of his clothes into clean ones without a second thought, but now that just felt like a violation. Sirius didn’t know what Remus would think if he woke up in different clothes than he remembered going out in.

After getting Remus upright, Sirius reached for the glass of water from where he left it on the bedside table but was stopped by Remus grabbing onto Sirius’ face. He cradled it between his hands like he was a child, like he was something precious that he didn’t want to hurt.

“Why don’t you touch me anymore?” Remus whispered and despite the distinct slur there was a clear hint of betrayal in his voice.

Sirius’ voice trembled as he tried to hold back tears as he pulled himself out of Remus’ embrace and replaced his head with the glass of water. “Drink,” he said and then turned away from Remus so that he could pull himself together.

Because they had been the kind of friends who touched. Constantly. Hands held when fleeing from their latest prank. Bodies curled around one another to protect from their nightmares. Feet crossed over each other while studying. Hands absent-mindedly in the other’s hair. But it had been poisoned, Sirius had poisoned it by making a stupid decision and taking advantage of Remus when drunk.

Sirius tugged the sheets back and tucked Remus into bed.

“You know why Rems,” he whispered to him quietly. “I don’t deserve to get you to touch you anymore. I don’t deserve your touch.”

He finished with the sheets and made sure to turn Remus on his side so he wouldn’t choke if he was sick later in the night. As he turned to leave the room, Remus reached out and grabbed his wrist. He just held his arm there and traced his thumb over the pulse point.

“I thought we’d always understand each other. When did that stop?”

Sirius froze. He wanted to say when I hurt you, when this bloody war started, when I became a bull in the china shop of the way we cared for each other. He wanted to ask, how do I love you anymore when I’m always scared of hurting you? How do I touch you when I’m afraid of the way my touch will burn?

But instead, he stayed silent and they just looked at each other and felt the weight of all the things they couldn’t say. The way that silence between them was no longer a comfortable, understood language but now a reminder of everything they had lost, everything that was broken.

Remus seemed to become aware of his hand on Sirius’ and let go abruptly. Sirius took that as his cue to leave and slipped out of the door.

“Goodnight Moons.” He whispered but what he really meant was: I’m so sorry.


	6. Talk to Me

Remus woke up the next morning hungover and feeling like shit. At least now the pain was physical. He’d always found it easier to focus on that. He rolled over and noticed a familiar looking vial sitting on the nightstand next to a glass of water.

Pieces came drifting back to him through the fog. He remembered coming home last night and Sirius being there but everything else was hard to piece together. He hoped he hadn’t said or done anything embarrassing. He hoped Sirius wasn’t mad for making him take care of him like that.

He steeled himself as he changed into more comfortable clothing, it was not lost on him that Sirius’ hadn’t helped him into pyjamas, and made his way into the kitchen.

“Hey,” Sirius said upon hearing his footsteps. “There’s some dry toast on the table there for you.”

“Thanks,” Remus said as went to muss up Harry’s curls before sitting down. “But my stomach’s still a little wonky from last night.”

Sirius came to sit down across from him and his eyes scrutinized him for a moment and Remus found himself feeling stripped bare. A flash of concern went through Sirius’ eyes but he stopped himself before saying anything.

Harry started clapping his hands together before scrunching them in the air, what they’d come to know as his way of telling them he wanted up. Remus got up and lifted him out of his high chair so that he could come and sit on his lap. Harry was immediately on his feet, hands tugging through Remus’ hair, fingers pushing and prodding as they ran over his scars.

It was one of his favourite things about being around Harry, the innocent curiosity about everything. When Harry touched his scars or tugged on his jumper sleeves, it wasn’t because he wanted to know where they came from or thought Remus’ clothes were too shabby, it was just the wonder of a child, the awe at seeing something different for the first time.

“I’m sorry about last night. I hope I didn’t say or do anything out of line.”

“It’s fine, nothing out of the ordinary.”

But Remus knew he was lying, Sirius’ Adam’s apple always did this little hitch when he wasn’t telling the truth. What had he said? Had he tried to do something?

“It won’t happen again. I just… I needed to not be here for a little bit.”

Sirius nodded slowly.

And Remus wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he was still a little drunk or if it was something else that made him say what he said next. “It should have been me, not them.” He kept his eyes trained on Harry, hands held aloft, ready to catch him if he should fall, but he could feel Sirius tense across the table.

“It shouldn’t have been any of us.” Sirius told him, but knew he felt the same guilt that Remus did. Sirius was supposed to be the secret keeper. He agreed to the switch with Peter, if it should have been any of them it should have been Sirius. Of course, they wouldn’t have killed him until they knew where the Potters were, but Sirius knew he would have taken his own life if that’s what it came to. Anything to protect them. Anything to keep his family safe.

Remus sniffled and hated that he couldn’t fight back the tears that were now working his way down his cheeks. They both tried not to break down in front of Harry, not wanting to upset him, and everything between them was so mangled that they no longer felt comfortable crying in front of each other. It meant they had both been adrift in the sea of their own grief, unable to find a safe place to rest.

“I’ll go change Harry and get him dressed.” Remus said and after Sirius’ curt nod in agreement he scooped Harry up into his arms and headed to his room.

Remus laid Harry down on the change table and started to rifle through the drawers for a clean pair of clothes for him.

“I don’t know what your uncle Padfoot is thinking anymore Harry. Does he tell you how he’s feeling?”

Harry gurgled up at him in response. Remus wondered for the millionth time when and if Harry’s voice would ever come back. Should they be looking at other forms of communication for him? Were they wasting too much time? Or were they doing the right thing by waiting and letting Harry guide them?

As he slipped Harry out of his diaper, he realized he was getting a bit of a rash on his bum. Sirius must have been forgetting the baby powder and diaper rash cream again, he’d have to remind him. Of course, he didn’t know how to do that and not have Sirius feel like he was a failure of a parent.

“You know,” Remus said as he held Harry’s legs aloft and slipped the clean cloth underneath him. “Your dad would know what to do about this whole thing. I mean, he could be an oblivious twat sometimes,” he said as he let out a watery laugh, “but not with Sirius. Couldn’t figure out I was a werewolf, couldn’t tell when your mum stopped hating him, but the second Sirius was even the slightest bit upset James knew. And he always knew what he needed too, whether he needed some space to cool down or someone to help him out with his homework or just a sudden hug or some extra candy from Honeydukes. You never doubted whether James loved you because he was always reminding you of it.”

As Remus worked the little shirt and pants onto Harry, he thought about how interacting with people for him was always harder than it had been for James. He never knew if he was doing enough, if his friends knew that he was there for him. He wondered how Sirius hadn’t known earlier that he was in love with him, that he was still in love with him. Sure, Remus had always loved him as a friend, but the moment his feelings changed towards Sirius, the way Remus acted around him did too. He tried to keep everything normal, but the reality of his emotions was etched into every prank, every full moon cuddle, every half of his chocolate bar that he’d share with Sirius after a bad Howler. How could Sirius not see it when it was in everything he did?

“You’re a good listener, little Pronglet,” Remus said as he picked Harry up and set him on the floor. Harry immediately proceeded to run out of the room and down in the hallway in search of mischief.

Remus sighed and took a deep breath before following him.

“I just wish you could tell me if we’re doing the right thing here.”


	7. Where Did You Go?

Remus had always been a lighter sleeper, but the war had heightened his senses even more. At the first sound of a disturbance his hand was already on his wand before he was even awake. He put his feet on the floor and listened for the sound again. It was a mumbling coming from Sirius’ room. Had someone found them? Had someone gotten into the house?

“Sirius,” Remus whispered as he stood outside the door but there was no answer. He took a deep breath and slipped inside.

Remus murmured a quick lumos and the blue light illuminated the room. Remus scanned the room slowly, every muscle tense until the light fell over Sirius’ sleeping form. All of the covers had been kicked off and were tangled in a mess around his feet. Sirius' chest was heaving up and down as he twitched and jolted in his sleep and he was mumbling under his breath, saying things that Remus could barely make out.

“Sirius,” Remus tried again as he crept closer to the bed. He sat down on the end and laid a gentle hand on Sirius’ arm. Sirius bolted awake at the touch, reaching for his own wand as he scrambled away from him until his body hit the headboard.

“It’s okay,” Remus said, raising his hands in surrender, still trying to keep his voice down so they wouldn’t wake Harry. “It’s just me.”

The light from his wand caught Sirius’ eyes and Remus realized just how terrified he looked. His body was trembling from head to toe and as Sirius seemed to remember where he was and what happened he burst into tears.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Remus said crawling forward and reaching out a hand towards him. He stopped suddenly before making contact, not sure if this was okay. He remembered back at Hogwarts when the four of them would stay up too late and fall asleep in one bed or on the floor. The way they became a tangle of arms and limbs. There had been no boundaries between them, nothing about their skin that they didn’t share. Now, Remus wasn’t even sure if he could touch Sirius in a moment of pain.

“C…Can I?” he asked, Sirius nodded quickly and Remus moved so he was sitting beside him. The second he reached one arm around Sirius, he was burrowing into him, clutching onto his clothes like he was the only real thing in the world.

Sirius didn’t say anything, didn’t tell him what the nightmare had been but he could guess. Remus had gotten back too late, by the time he went to Godric’s Hollow it was empty. Sirius had gotten there first. He can’t imagine what it must have done to Sirius, to see James on the floor, body still warm, Lily on the ground in front of Harry, and to hear his heartbreaking cries. Let alone what it must have done to Sirius when he tracked down Peter and found those murdered Muggles. Remus would never have wanted to live through that. Let alone relive it every night.

When Remus awoke in the morning, he was surprised to find he was in Sirius’ bed, realizing they must have fallen asleep against each other sometime in the night. But Sirius was gone.

He rubbed his eyes as he got up and made his way into the kitchen where Sirius was cooking breakfast. He’d already gotten Harry up and he was sitting in his high chair garbling away.

“Morning,” Remus said and he could have sworn he saw Sirius’ back tense at the sound of his voice.

“Morning,” Sirius said. “Tea?”

“Mhm,” Remus murmured in response. Even at school Sirius had always been the early riser, it didn’t matter how late he went to bed, he was always the first one up and seemingly full of boundless energy.

Sirius put the kettle on and turned his attention back to the stove. Remus tried to find some comfort in the hope that Sirius’ silence was out of respect for Remus’ grogginess and general distaste for the morning, and not as a result of what happened last night.

Remus made goofy faces at Harry for a bit in a half-hearted attempt to get him to laugh before Sirius was placing a plate of bacon and eggs and a steaming mug of tea in front of him.

“Thank you,” he said as he held the tea up to his mouth and breathed in its scent. It was something he always did before setting the cup back down to cool. There was something about the steam that always seemed to wake him up and he thought he caught a subtle smile from Sirius at the morning ritual.

But the smile quickly turned stoic as Sirius started to speak, “About last night…” he began, looking away from Remus and turning his attention to trying to get Harry to eat his applesauce.

“It’s okay,” Remus told him. After all, they were both still hurting and grieving in ways they couldn’t explain.

“No, it’s not,” Sirius said. The determined tension back in his voice and Remus hated the way he was getting better at reading Sirius’ emotions from his back because he never wanted to talk to him face to face anymore. “You shouldn’t have had to…”

Had to what? Comfort him? Touch him? Remus didn’t understand what had happened to them - if what they had done while drunk really made Sirius that uncomfortable or if there was something else going on. It was killing him that his once-best friend who would tackle him in the hallway without warning now couldn’t even bear to touch hands with him.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, staring down at his breakfast. “I just didn’t want to see you hurting like that.”

The familiar heavy silence fell over them again and Remus almost wanted to laugh for believing that this apartment could be anything other than a ticking time bomb.

“I’m going to go and shower,” Remus said and pushed his chair out from the table.

“But you’ve barely eaten,” Sirius said.

“Not hungry,” Remus mumbled, and Sirius turned to face him then. They finally met eyes for the first time that morning and Sirius looked like there was something else he wanted to say. Yes, please, anything, Remus wanted to say. Tell me you hate me, tell me you never want to see me again, just say something, but Sirius stopped and turned his attention back to Harry leaving Remus to walk out in silence.


	8. Lone Wolf

The next full moon came a week after that. Sirius offered to go with him, knowing that having Padfoot around always made the full moon easier for Remus. He tried not to think about what Remus had been doing for the full moons over the last year, tried not to think about where he must have been and how he wasn’t there to help him. Not that Remus would have wanted him around. Either way, Remus had denied Sirius’ offers, they were finally getting Harry on a normal sleeping schedule and Remus thought leaving him with someone else would throw that off. Sirius couldn’t help but feel that wasn’t truly why he didn’t want Sirius around.

Remus tried not to think about how much he wanted Sirius by his side, how much he missed those carefree days when the four of them had been able to roam the woods freely. Instead, he tried to remind himself that it was better this way. Staying with the packs over the last year had made the wolf angry, and territorial, likely a manifestation of Remus’ festering hatred towards himself and his condition that had only grown in the last year. It was better for him to go alone. Harry was his number one priority now and if the wolf lashed out and hurt Sirius, Harry would be alone. He couldn’t let that happen.

So he went alone and locked himself in the basement of an old cottage he’d found in the middle of nowhere. He was able to transfigure himself chains that he hoped would hold him in place. He didn’t feel like letting the wolf prowl tonight, it didn’t deserve to be free. Remus didn’t deserve to be free.

Those months with the pack had been painful. Every day he’d been reminded of the discrimination against lycanthropes and after a while he couldn’t be angry at most of them for being jaded. Growing up, he’d always found a safe haven in the Ministry and in Dumbledore. He always thought that they were doing the right thing. After all, Dumbledore didn’t have to let him into Hogwarts, he chose to. But in hindsight, he wondered if he was preparing him for the war back then. If instead of seeing a child in desperate need of friends and companionship, he saw a pawn, a tool that could be used for his greater purpose.

The moon rose higher in the sky and his stomach turned and coiled despite the fact he hadn’t eaten anything. He leaned his head against the cold metal wall, tugging once more to test the strength of the chains, and tried to think about anything that wasn’t here. He found his mind running to those kisses with Sirius again. The way his mind had run there in the dark and cold months alone with the packs. A familiar surge of guilt ran through him. He shouldn’t be deriving so much pleasure from something that was only a drunken mistake to Sirius, to something that could never happen again.

He was living with Sirius now. They were co-parenting Harry and even if Remus didn’t know how long that would last, he needed to make sure that his feelings for Sirius never got in the way of him making the right choices. The choices that James and Lily would have wanted.

The moon rose higher still and he coiled inward as another jolt of pain overtook him. He tried to tell himself he earned it. That this pain was what he deserved. That he still shouldn’t be the one here. But still, after almost two decades of being a werewolf, he found himself crumbling like a scared child, and with no pack to impress or allies to make this time, he let himself cry. But they weren’t tears for himself. They were tears for James and Lily. Tears for everything he’d ruined between him and Sirius. Tears for Peter who had ruined everything. Tears for being so blind, so stupid to think that this could have ended any other way.

And then the wolf came free, and Remus let him tear him apart.

The next morning Remus woke shaky and blood covered on the floor. He mended any major wounds and decided that the rest could wait until after he had slept. It had been so nice to have Madame Pomfrey waiting for him after every full moon. Someone to care for him and dab all his wounds clean while he drifted in and out of a peaceful sleep, but that wasn’t the reality of the way that the world worked. He learned that lesson all too quickly last year. He learned that you fix the wounds that pose a threat to your life and leave everything else to ache and bleed until you have the energy to do more with it.

He stumbled home and into bed and his last thought before falling asleep was how easy and simple that sounded: home. That was what he had here with Sirius and Harry and it was warm and comforting. It was going to hurt like hell when it was finally time to leave.

Sirius kept Harry away from Remus’ room as much as he could, telling him that Uncle Moony was sick and needed to rest. He wondered how old Harry would have to be before they told him the truth. He wondered if Remus was scared for him to know; if he still held onto that fear that others might leave him. The way he thought the Marauders would abandon him all those years ago.

When Harry was busy or napping, Sirius would creep into the doorway of Remus’ room and stand there long enough to catch Remus’ chest going up and down. He couldn’t breath until he saw that gentle reassurance that he was going to be okay.

It wasn’t until Harry was down for the night that Sirius let himself go into Remus’ room, unsure of what his role was in this whole process anymore.

“Moony?” Sirius whispered softly and received a dull groan from Remus in response.

As Sirius pushed the door open further the soft glow of the light from the hallway draped its way over Remus’ body and he could see purple bruises and imprints snaking their way up and down his arms. Chains. Remus had used chains to keep himself inside last night.

Sirius couldn’t handle it anymore, standing in the door so close to Remus, knowing that he was in pain and being unable to do anything to help him.

He morphed quickly into Padfoot and made his way into Remus’ room, stopping to nose the door shut behind him to keep the light out of Remus’ eyes. He trotted quietly over to the edge of the bed and nuzzled next to Remus’ face and when his hands came up to card his way through his fur, that was when Sirius knew that this was okay.

He hopped up on the bed on the other side of Remus, trying to move the mattress as little as possible and curled up next to him, laying his head gently on Remus’ ribs, he whimpered softly.

“It’s okay Padfoot,” Remus whispered. “I’m going to be okay,” and he turned over slowly so he could cuddle deeper into his soft fur.

This is what they don’t talk about. The quiet moments like this when everything seems like it once was. The peace and gentle harmony between them that hinted that they could get back to what they once were. The softness and unsaid words that meant that there might be much more if only they could find the language to share how they felt with the other.

But for now, they tried to translate everything they felt into the steadiness of their breath and hope that their heartbeats hammered out a morse code of everything that they wanted to say.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gives me a lot of feelings.


	9. Breaking

Remus heard the wailing even before he opened the door. Harry was usually fussy but he was never normally this loud. He juggled the groceries into one hand before opening the door.

“Sirius?” he called out.

“In here!” Sirius said and he sounded exhausted.

Remus set the groceries down in the doorway figuring he could get to them later after he figured out what was making Harry scream bloody murder.

“Thank Merlin you’re home. He’s been like this all day and nothing I can do can get him to stop.” Sirius’ face was streaked with dried tears of his own as he walked circles around the living room, bouncing Harry up and down on his hip in an effort to try and get him to calm down. “Three of the neighbours have already been by to complain. I tried walking outside but that didn’t help either and he won’t eat.”

Remus had left to meet McGonagall for tea at eight and had been running errands all day after that and stopped to pay a visit to the Longbottoms too. A quick glance told him that it was now four o’clock, even if Harry had slept in until nine, he’d been crying like this for six hours.

“Remus, I… I’m scared,” Sirius said and Remus saw the look of genuine fear in his eyes. The worry that whatever was wrong with Harry was something that they couldn’t make right and he would have failed James and Lily for the last time.

“Okay,” Remus said moving down the hallway in the direction of Harry’s room. “There’s a walk-in clinic just down the road. We’ll take him there.” He gathered up a jacket for Harry and a few other things that he thought he’d need and made his way back to the living room. “Sirius?”

“Hmm,” Sirius mumbled.

“Did you hear what I said?”

Sirius nodded. “Can… can you take him?” His voice was a whisper and Remus had to strain to hear him over Harry’s screams.

“Me? Why aren’t you coming with us?”

“I can’t Remus. You’re so much better at this baby stuff than me. You know all the little Muggle tricks I don’t. I’m getting this all wrong.”

“Sirius. What are you saying?”

“I can’t do this anymore, Remus.”

Remus’ blood boiled and he opened his mouth to yell at Sirius but before he could get a word out Harry started yelling even louder and Sirius hurriedly held him out to Remus.

Remus was angry and frustrated with Sirius and he didn’t know if his open-ended threat meant he was leaving them but he did know that he needed to get Harry to a doctor now. He grabbed Harry from Sirius’ arms and made his way to the door almost tripping over the groceries he left there.

“Put these away please,” Remus said trying to hide the contempt that was dripping from his voice. “I’ll be back soon. Maybe that will give you long enough to remember whose child this is and why you agreed to be his godfather in the first place.” Then he slammed the door behind him as he left.

Remus wasn’t sure if it was how long Harry had been crying or that his loud wails were driving everyone in the waiting room insane, but he didn’t have to wait long to be called back to see a doctor.

“What seems to be the problem today?” The man asked as he stepped into the room after them and closed the door behind him.

Remus thought it seemed a silly question considering the fact that the doctor had probably heard Harry ever since they stepped foot into the clinic.

“He’s been crying like this all day. I think it must have started sometime after nine. My… his other caregiver has been with him most of the day and he hasn’t been able to get him to eat or stop.”

He noticed the doctor’s eyes flash around the room quickly, taking in the fact that the other caregiver wasn’t present. Remus wouldn’t be surprised if he’d picked up on the fact that Remus realized he didn’t know want to call Sirius either.

“Okay, let me just check a few things and we’ll see if we can figure out what’s wrong with little Harry.”

Remus nodded and did his best to stay still as the doctor checked Harry’s lungs, and heart rate. He took his temperature and checked his skin for rashes. They even got him to stop thrashing for long enough that they could weigh him. But either the doctor was very good at hiding it or there was nothing wrong with Harry.

“Seems like colic to me.”

“Colic? Isn’t Harry a little old for that.”

“Maybe. We can talk about causes in a minute, but for now let’s see if we can calm him down. I want to try something. Would you be comfortable removing your shirt?”

Remus froze. He hated taking off clothing in front of strangers. He knew the doctor would stare and have questions - as he should. But some days Remus was exhausted of having it define him. But right now, this wasn’t about him, it was about Harry. He needed to do whatever was going to help Harry. 

He nodded and the doctor held out his arms to take Harry from him as Remus slipped out of his jumper. 

The doctor passed Harry back over to him. He’d taken Harry’s shirt off too and Remus recognized what he was doing, remembered James and Lily doing the same thing. Holding Harry’s skin against theirs as if to remind him that this is where he belonged, that he was their own flesh and blood. 

Remus watched the familiar flash of concern go through the doctor’s eyes as he took in Remus’ scars. He did well to not let it impact his demeanor as he showed Remus how he wanted him to hold Harry. 

As Remus turned Harry so his flesh was pressed against his, a strange feeling went through him. He held Harry all the time. Even if it was difficult, even if it always reminded him of who should have been holding him. But this was different. The warm feeling of Harry’s chest against his. The soft flutter as his heart. The cool tears being pressed against Remus’ skin. 

Remus watched with wonder as Harry’s screams started to slow down to whimpers. It was if Remus was sucking up all his negative energy, like he had suddenly run out of steam. Soon he was just sniffling softly as he burrowed his way into Remus’ skin. Remus looked up at the doctor with admiration in his eyes. 

He shrugged as he gave Remus a soft smile. “It doesn’t always work, swaddling helps sometimes. I guess in this case all Harry needed was a little bit of touch.”

Remus felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He knew both Sirius and him struggled with holding Harry sometimes. That when the grief was overwhelming them it felt almost impossible to look at Harry without feeling his heart shattering, let alone hold him, to feel him squirm and move and live when his parents weren’t. 

Even when they were holding him, their minds were often in a thousand other places. He guessed that was why Sirius’ holding him and bouncing him today hadn’t worked. He needed something more. He needed proof that they were present with him in this moment, that they were giving their all to him. 

Remus bent down and gave him a kiss on the head and Harry nuzzled against his chest. 

“You know,” the doctor said, pulling Remus’ attention back to him. Harry noticed the shift and Remus started to rub small circles into his back to remind him that he was still there. “Infants can often revert back to old behaviours when they’re stressed or as a result of trauma. It's their way of letting us know what they need, what they are missing. Is everything alright with Harry at home?”

So, the doctor had deduced Remus’ struggle to find the right identifier for Sirius.

“It’s been… difficult. Harry’s parents were our best friends, and they were murdered a few months ago. Harry was actually in the house when it happened.” He looked down at him and tried not to think about the fact that Sirius had been there too. That Sirius was likely struggling in the same ways Harry was.

“I’m so sorry,” the doctor said, and Remus thought about what a relief it was to tell this story to someone else. To someone who hadn’t felt the shockwave of their loss. “It’s likely Harry won’t remember that in a few years time, but if you say he’s been fussy it could be as a result of that trauma. It’s really important that Harry knows that he has people in his life that are there for him and you try to create as calm and supportive an environment as possible. Loud noises, yelling, stressful situations will likely bring him all back to the point of his trauma. Has there been anything like that around the house recently?”

Remus felt a wave of guilt wash over him. “Yes, Sirius, he’s Harry’s godfather, and I have been fighting a lot lately. I didn’t think Harry knew but…”

“Physically or verbally?” The doctor asked and Remus realized his eyes were firmly on Remus’ scars. He had known this was coming but there was always a mental sigh of exhaustion at having to explain. He just hoped the doctor didn’t comment on how much weight Remus had lost too.

“No, no. These scars are from when I was a kid, I was attacked by a wolf. We’ve just been having a hard time adjusting. A lot of yelling at each other, slammed doors, that kind of thing.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, relaxing visibly. “I’m sorry, but it’s my responsibility to ask.”

“Of course,” Remus said, thinking about how badly he wished someone had asked Sirius what was going on when he was still with the Blacks. Hell, everyone knew, they were just too scared to do anything, didn’t want to cause any trouble.

“Forgive me if I’m overstepping, but is that why he isn’t here today?”

Remus tried to keep the anger from flashing through his eyes and looked down at the floor in hopes that the doctor couldn’t read his emotions.

“He’s been struggling. James, Harry’s father, was like a brother to him and he was one of the first one’s on the scene. Because of how they found him they thought he’d done it. I guess when he agreed to be Harry’s godfather, he hoped it would never come to that, let alone the way it did. I’m just trying to help them both the best I can.”

“Sounds like you’re both going through a lot. Losing a friend is hard enough, especially to violence. Having to raise a child suddenly on top of that can only make things harder. Try to be gentle with each other. Maybe if there’s someone who could take Harry for a bit so you have time to talk those difficult feelings out it might be for the best. Let me get you a couple of resources on grief and healing. There are also a couple good support groups around for guardians who have taken in children who have lost their parents. I’ll give you the names of those as well. But if you or Harry need anything else, you can come right back here anytime okay?”

“Thank you, Dr..?”

“Dr. Evans,” he said with a smile and the fresh wave of grief was like a lightning bolt to his chest. Evans was a common enough last name that Remus wouldn’t have been able to avoid it forever but hearing it out loud again so soon was almost unbearable.

Remus simply nodded his head in acknowledgement unable to bring himself to say the name out loud. The doctor left the office to gather up the pamphlets and then sent Harry and Remus on their way. The tears overtook him the second he was out the door and Remus cried quietly the whole way home, trying not to wake Harry from his slumber as he mourned the woman who should have been holding him instead.


	10. How Long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for eating disorders. Take care of yourself.

As Remus stepped through the door with Harry, he noted with a small sigh of relief that the bags of groceries he’d left there were gone. As he slipped out of his shoes, he saw Sirius hunched over at the kitchen table. He wondered briefly if they all looked that way. If from a glance you could see how broken they were, the pain etched onto their features and the way they held themselves.

He made his way down the hall into Harry’s room and laid him down in his crib. He heaved a small sigh of relief that he didn’t wake. He tucked his stuffy into the crib with him and then headed back into the kitchen.

Once Remus turned the light on, he could see that Sirius had an open bottle of whiskey and a half full glass sitting in front of him. Remus picked them up. He placed the bottle of whiskey in the cupboard above the fridge, not sure why he thought that the ‘out of reach for toddlers’ rule would work on Sirius, and then dumped out the glass and filled it with water.

“Harry’s going to be okay. Just a bad fit; I set him down for a nap.”

Remus set the glass of water in front of him before sitting down and Sirius noticed the slight tremble in his hands.

“Rems, when was the last time you ate?” he asked, wondering what miracle had kept them alive this long.

“I’m fine Sirius.”

“Would you eat something? Please, for me.”

Remus looked up at those eyes and knew that he couldn’t say no, knew that Sirius had no idea how much he would do for him if he only asked.

Sirius got up from up the table and rifled around in the cupboard for some crackers. Then he opened up the fridge and found the applesauce he made for Harry. He spooned some of it out into a bowl and brought it back to the table.

Remus lifted a trembling spoonful to his mouth and Sirius noticed the way he seemed to have to put all of his focus into forcing him to swallow it down.

“How long?” Sirius asked.

Remus looked up at him with an expression of confusion.

“How long has the eating thing been going on?”

Remus kept staring at him blankly.

“Come on Moons. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I cook and you barely eat any of it or you're always too busy to stop and have meals with Harry and I. You’re shaky on your feet and I can tell you’ve lost weight.”

Remus tried not to blush at that last part. As ashamed as he was, there was still something that stirred inside him when he thought of Sirius’ gaze raking over his body like that.

He focused on forcing down another spoonful of applesauce in order to give him time to think before speaking.

“Since James and Lily died, maybe earlier, I don’t know. But since they’ve been gone… eating just doesn’t seem important anymore.”

Remus might as well have said that breathing wasn’t important anymore or living, but Sirius understood. He knew the way that grief flattened the world and suddenly the things that used to seem so essential didn’t anymore.

“Might have started earlier. Dumbledore had me away with the packs. That’s why I couldn’t tell you all where I was going, why I was gone for so long. I had to be with them long enough to build a state of trust. But we didn’t have much in the way of food or anything really. I learned to go on little. Coming back after that, everything was hard and different and it wasn’t just losing James and Lily and finding out about Pete. I wasn’t used to being back in the real world again, around regular witches and wizards. When I’m not sad, I’m angry.

“I know I said the other night it should have been me instead of them. I wasn’t talking about being the secret keeper. Werewolves don’t live very long. Transforming like that every full takes its toll on your body and sometimes you don’t have it in you anymore to make it back, or if you do you can’t recover. But that’s if I even make it that far. No one will hire me, the money I could get from the Ministry is measly. I could fight for change, like we always have, but all that has done is shown me how little people care, and facing that day in and day out hurts, Sirius. It guts me to know how little my life matters to people because of a decision that I didn’t even make, because of something that happened to me when I was child. I guess food became the only thing I had power over. The only thing I could keep constant. Besides, why waste good food on a lowlife like me anyways, I’m never going to amount to anything.”

Sirius’ simmering hatred for Dumbledore bubbled over. The fact that he would do that to Remus, that he would force him to be confronted with the part of his identity that he struggled with the most day in and day out was barbaric. And here Remus was, dealing with the aftermath of being put in that traumatic and triggering situation and where was Dumbledore? Nowhere to be seen, which was probably in his best interest since Sirius had more than a few unkind words that he’d like to share with him.

But this wasn’t about Dumbledore, or Sirius right now, it was about Remus. His Remus. Who wasn’t eating, who felt like he didn’t have control over his own life, who felt like he wasn’t worth taking the time for.

“I didn’t know.”

“No one did,” Remus said as he struggled to swallow down another spoonful of applesauce. “I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.”

“If there’s anything that I can do to help ease that pain. I… I want to help.” And then quieter, “We’re all we have now.”

Remus wanted to say something more, wanted to tell Sirius everything, wanted to tell him how he couldn’t tell him anything without them having to discuss the one thing that Remus was supposed to be forgetting about. He hated everything about this. He hated the way that the words that used to follow so easily between them were now stilted, like they had spoken so much that all the words had been used up and Remus was nothing more than an empty well.

“We can talk about it tomorrow,” Remus said. “The doctor thinks that Harry’s environment might be setting him off. I’ll call Minnie in the morning to see if she’d be okay to take him for the afternoon.”

“Oh… okay,” Sirius said, wondering how the walls had come up again so quickly when he thought they were getting somewhere.

Remus turned his attention back to trying to finish his food, hoping that if he could get some of it down, it would help ease any pain that he’d just caused Sirius. But it was so hard, his mind just wouldn’t cooperate, and it felt like every time he got something in his mouth his throat would close up and his brain would just tell him no.

Sirius could see how badly he was struggling and reached for the spoon, wishing instead that he was reaching for Remus’ hand.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said, and Remus loosened his grip and let him set it back down in the bowl. “How about I make you a smoothie? Would that be easier?”

“But Harry’s sleeping.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius said tugging his wand out as a reminder of magic, thinking about how years early he would have made a suggestive joke about the wonder of silencing charms.

“Okay,” Remus said.

“Are you sure? If you don’t think you can get it down you don’t have to eat it.”

“I’m sure. I want to try. For Harry, right?”

“Right,” Sirius said with a smile as he headed in the kitchen, wondering why a part of him wished he’d said “For you” instead.


	11. Zenith

The next morning was tense. Minnie agreed to come and get Harry and it felt like Sirius and Remus were dancing around each other as they watched the seconds tick down on the clock, like a time bomb was about to explode.

When the doorbell rang, Remus was both relieved and terrified.

“I’ll get it!” Remus yelled down the hall as he opened the door to see McGonagall standing in front of him.

“Hey Remus,” she said with a soft smile.

“It’s so good to see you,” Remus told her, and it was, it really was. He missed his Mum so much and having her here felt somehow like getting a piece of her back. “Come in, thanks so much for doing this. Sirius and I… we just need some time to talk.”

He went to go and find Sirius and Harry, but McGonagall caught him lightly on the elbow and held him in place.

“Is everything okay between you and Sirius?”

And Remus wanted so badly to tell her, to unfold all of his demons. To tell her, no, that nothing was okay between them and it was only made worse by the fact they both weren’t okay. But he held back, maybe because a part of him still saw her as a teacher, maybe because a part of him was still afraid to let himself be loved.

“Yeah,” Remus said with a tight smile. “It’s just been hard.”

McGonagall looked down at him over her glasses and he couldn’t help feeling like he was in trouble. “Okay,” she said and let him go.

Before Remus could say anything else, Sirius was coming down the hallway with Harry on his hip and the diaper bag slung over his other arm.

“Are you sure you’re alright to do this?” Sirius asked her.

“Sirius, I managed to keep your four halfwits alive for seven years, I think I can look after a toddler for a few hours.”

Sirius smiled as he passed Harry over to her. “Right.”

“Alright, Harry, say bye bye. You’re going to spend some time with Auntie Minnie.”

Harry clenched his fist open and closed in a mock wave.

“He’s still not talking,” Remus told her.

“Nothing bad about being quiet,” she said, giving him a gentle smile, and then with a flick of her wand she was gone.

The silence she left in her absence was deafening and for a moment Sirius and Remus just stood there, completely unsure of what to do next.

“So,” Sirius said. “What did the doctor say?”

Remus looked down at the floor, not quite sure how to word what he needed to say next. “He’s worried that Harry’s fit was triggered by the home environment. That tense situations or arguing could be setting him off.”

“Setting him off?” Sirius asked.

“Taking him back to that night.”

“Oh,” Sirius said and from the look in his eyes Remus knew that he was going back there as well.

“I just thought we needed to talk about some things. Make sure we’re doing the right thing for Harry.”

“Of course,” Sirius said and Remus watched as he painstakingly wrenched himself out of his memory and back into the present moment.

Silence fell between them again and Remus started to walk into the kitchen feeling Sirius’ eyes on his back, unsure of what to say or do next. Eventually, Sirius broke the silence and from the sound of his voice he’d moved closer to where Remus was too.

“I’m sorry Remus.”

“Sorry?” Remus said as he clenched his fists around the top of the sink.

“Yes. It was a terrible, awful mistake. I never should have done it.”

“Right,” Remus said knowing this day was coming but hoping that it wouldn’t have been so soon. “I’ll just pack my things and be out of your hair then.” He turned to move past Sirius and towards his room.

“Wait, Remus that’s not-“ Sirius stopped as he lay a hand on Remus’ shoulder to stop him and then pulled back quickly from the touch, and that was it. That was the final straw.

Remus wheeled around to face him, “You know you can touch me, right? I’m not fucking poison. It’s not bloody fucking contagious.”

Sirius stepped back, clearly startled by the bite in Remus’ voice. “What?”

“You treat touching me like some kind of minefield, like I’m some kind of sick creature that can’t control myself.”

“Remus, I don’t care that you’re a werewolf. I never have,” Sirius said, pulling his hand into his chest.

“Don’t act so bloody daft!” Remus yelled, watching Sirius flinch. One part of him felt bad about it but another part of him was so overflowing with the weight of everything he hadn’t said, all the anger and grief and frustration that he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The kiss! That fucking bloody make out session! We have a drunken snog once and then you can’t ever come near me again. What? Do you think I’m going to jump your bloody bones?”

Something seemed to cross Sirius’ face at the mention of the event that had been silently marked forbidden and off limits. If Remus didn’t know better, he’d say it looked like a storm rolling in.

“That’s what I’m trying to apologize for,” Sirius said, his voice heavy now.

“You don’t have to apologize! I get it, you made a bloody mistake but stop treating me like this is my problem!”

“It’s not a bloody mistake!” Sirius yelled and Remus’ heart stopped. For one haunting moment he thought Sirius might say the words he so desperately wanted to hear, but he didn’t. Instead, he spoke again in a voice that was almost a whisper, “It was a choice, an awful terrible choice, but one I have to live with.”

Those words were like a dagger to Remus’ heart. He knew Sirius wouldn’t have kissed him sober but to hear him speak with such disgust in his voice about kissing him made him feel sick to his stomach. He started to cry, and he let out a sickening laugh at how cruel this whole situation was.

“God,” Remus said, certain he was feeling the last of his sanity slip. “If I knew I was that bad of a kisser I would have done more target practice.” And then he was laughing again, even though none of this was funny, but if he stopped laughing, he knew it would all become too real. There would be no punchline and Remus would be left shattered and he didn’t think he had it in him to recover from anymore losses.

“No, Rems,” Sirius said, sounding almost confused. “It… it was good, but god,” he said tugging his hands through his hair, “I’m buggering this all up.”

“It’s fine,” Remus said practically staggering out of the room now. “Just say you hate me, and we’ll move on.”

“No, I don’t hate you, Remus. You should be the one to hate me.”

Remus stopped and squinted at him. “If you’re trying to make me hate you right now, you’re doing a pretty stellar job of it. Just hit a few more of my darkest fears and you’ll have yourself a home run of ‘let’s ruin Remus Lupin.’”

“I’m not-“ Sirius stopped himself again and Remus hated how restrained he was. He wanted to make him yell, to cry, to scream, anything to show that he was feeling even the tiniest shard of what was coursing through Remus right now. “Remus, you’re the one who should hate me.”

“Hate you? Why on earth would I hate you?”

“Remus, it’s okay. You don’t have to lie or defend me.”

“Sirius, what the hell are you talking about? You’re my best friend. You’re the person I trust more than anything. You know everything about me.”

“Stop!” Sirius yelled and Remus had a moment to think ‘fucking finally’. “Just stop! You can’t rationalize this okay! You can’t make this better!”

“Please enlighten me as to what I’m trying to make better.”

“I assaulted you Remus! I fucking assaulted you and you’re standing there trying to forgive me, trying to rationalize what I did to you.” Sirius stared at him and Remus met his gaze and for once he didn’t turn away. Remus saw so much hurt and pain in those grey eyes but there was also so much he didn’t understand.

“What are you talking about?”

“That night at the Potters when we made out. You were drunk, and I didn’t even ask if it was okay. And I know… I know you don’t feel comfortable around me anymore and I shouldn’t have asked you to move in here with Harry and I. After everything I did, it’s so wrong of me to expect you to want to be anywhere near me. So if you don’t want to touch me or be close to me the least I could have done is respect that.”

“I… I don’t understand.”

“Remus, do you remember what happened that night?”

“Of course, I do. James sent me into the kitchen for another bottle opener and you came in and then….”

He trailed off and Sirius took a tentative step towards him.

“Then I kissed you and I kept kissing you even when I shouldn’t have. I took advantage of your vulnerable state and I just-“

“No,” Remus yelled, cutting him off as he stumbled backwards, hands up in the air defensively as understanding washed over him. “Sirius, stop, just stop. You didn’t take advantage of me. You didn’t assault me.”

“Remus you don’t have to-“

“No.” Remus said, his voice heavy and stern. “You didn’t. I never felt like you did.”

A beat of silence and then, “So why have you been avoiding me?”

Remus breathed in deeply and knew that this was the moment to tell the truth. Lies and deception had killed their friends, he wouldn’t let his fear ruin Sirius and Harry’s lives too.

“Sirius, I’m in love with you.”


	12. Truth

“You’re what?” Sirius said, stopping mid stride as he stared at Remus like he was seeing him for the first time.

Remus sighed, “I’m in love with you. And I knew you wouldn’t have kissed me sober, so I thought it was easier if we both had some space. But being around you… I don’t know how to help you and Harry without getting in the way. To be honest, I can’t stop thinking about that kiss and being around you every day has been… hard. But that’s my problem to deal with, not yours.” He sighed as he sat down at the table and buried his head in his hands. “I figured you knew. That you knew how I felt about you and that’s why you didn’t want me touching you anymore. That you didn’t want me around.”

Sirius sat down at the kitchen table, trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to understand how what Remus just told him changed what had happened. He realized it didn’t. “But I mean Rems, it doesn’t matter how you feel. I mean it does, of course. But you were still drunk. Either way I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.”

“You could just as easily say the same thing about me Pads. Don’t get me wrong, no one should ever take advantage of someone when they’re drunk, but… I wasn’t that drunk, Sirius. Remember when we stumbled on James and Lily having a snog behind that pub? They were both plastered but it was okay with them. Hell, I’m sure most people in relationships have drunken rolls in the sack. I think it gets more complicated if the person is a stranger. But Sirius you know me, did it not feel like I wanted to?”

Sirius thought back to the kiss, to the way that Moony had locked his arms around his neck to pull him in closer. The soft moans he had uttered when things had gotten more heated and Sirius had gotten the friction just right. The way that Remus’ tongue had dove deeper, hungry to respond.

“I don’t think consent is as simple as a hard and fast yes or no,” Remus said. “I mean, of course the second someone says no you should always stop, but I think there’s a lot of other ways those messages get communicated too. I mean,” he was blushing now, “I was pulling you in closer to me. I wanted you closer. I put my hand up your shirt before you put your hand up mine. I know I should have been clearer. I know I should have said it aloud. But every moan, every time I deepened the kiss, every moment I had my hands in your hair or on your body was my way of telling you yes, that I wanted this. That I still want this.”

Sirius shook his head slowly, “But, how Remus? How can I know that you’re telling me everything? That you aren’t just doing what you think I need - what you think I want. ”

Remus understood that they were no longer just talking about that night anymore. They were talking about the way that war trains you to be a good liar. How Remus had been trained to manipulate, to work among the packs to understand what was going to get them to stay, what was going to convince them that he should be allowed to stay. They were talking about Remus’ eating troubles and how long he managed to keep it hidden from all of them, how he still hadn’t told Sirius that it truly started back when they were still at Hogwarts, when he first got a real glimpse of how badly the world was going to fall apart and he needed something to control. They were talking about Peter, and about how they thought they knew him, understood him, trusted him, and he threw that all a way. How he destroyed it all, everything they built, with a few simple words.

Remus paused, trying to think of the words that would help Sirius understand what he was thinking, understand that he never wanted to lie to Sirius, never wanted to hurt him. “No matter how well you know someone there will be times where you don’t understand each other. And I know - I know this bloody war has made actors of us all. But most of acting, Sirius, is just hiding who you are, disguising a part of yourself. 

“I guess, the point I’m trying to make is that you have to communicate with each other. You have to be willing to let that mask fall a little. 

“And you’re right because we were drunk, we didn’t communicate clearly and because we weren’t in a relationship, we didn’t communicate our boundaries around drinking beforehand either. That’s why we need to communicate now Sirius. This not talking to each other, not explaining how we feel, it’s poisoning this household. It’s poisoning us, Sirius, and I don’t want to lose what we have.”

“But how would I know?” Sirius said, looking up at him, tired and with watery eyes. “How could I ever know that you meant what you were telling me?”

“Trust. I know what not trusting others can do to you, Sirius,” Remus said thinking of those early days at Hogwarts when he lived with the fear of losing his closest friends. “The way it can eat you inside up. I relived that all again this past year, but I’m older now. I won’t make that mistake again.”

Sirius didn’t like this answer, didn’t like that he’d never be able to read Remus’ mind and know for sure what was going on with him. It was one of the things he hated most about growing up. The way that sometimes when you ask someone a question they can’t give you an honest answer, or they lie, or they deflect. He always just wanted to shake them and say ‘tell me, please, let me in.’ He hated feeling on the outside. He hated that people didn’t think he could tell how much they were hurting, especially Remus.

“It’s hard,” Sirius said, “to trust people. To believe them,” and Remus knew from the look in his eyes that he was back there again, thinking about Peter, thinking about what betrayal could do to people.

“I know,” Remus said, reaching out a hand for Sirius’ and feeling just a little bit better when he took it, like they were slowly moving past this block together. “I’m not saying it will be easy, but trust is the foundation we build everything on. We know how bad things crumble without it better than most. It doesn’t mean we get to walk away from it. It means we’re hurt and scarred but that if we work at it, we can build that foundation over again.”

Sirius nodded slowly, still trying to muddle through everything in his head. Everything that Remus had said.

“I know this is a lot at once. But I need to ask you something. I need to know in what capacity you want me in yours and Harry’s lives. If knowing how I feel for you is too much. If you need some space, I understand. I want to understand what you’re most comfortable with so we can find our way there together, even if that means I have to leave you for a while.”

“No,” Sirius said, and it was the first thing he was sure of all night. “I don’t want you to leave. The way I feel about you… it’s always been different than it was with James or… or Peter.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, voice quiet, trying to disguise any sense of hope, trying to remind himself to be realistic.

“I mean I think I was so angry about what I did because it was wrong, but I think a part of me was even angrier at myself because I knew I ruined any chance of getting to do it again.” 

“You… you want to kiss me again?”

“Yes. I mean how do you know the moment when someone changes from being a friend to being something more?” Sirius said, looking at Remus as he thought about the fact that there was never one distinct moment when he saw Remus differently. That instead it was more like a crescendo building and rising inside of him over time. It was the time they found themselves laughing at two am for so long that they’d forgotten what had been funny in the first place, the first time Sirius saw the way his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, that first full moon when Sirius realized just how strong Remus was, and seeing him on the stand taking his side like nothing had happened between them. Falling in love with Remus wasn’t one big moment, it was a thousand tiny stumbles.

“Would you,” Remus blushed and looked down at his hands. “Would you want to kiss me now?”

Sirius gave Remus’ hand a reassuring squeeze. “Maybe not right now. I think there’s still more we need to talk about. More I need to work through until I’m back in a place where I’m ready for that. Is that okay?”

“You never have to apologize for speaking your truth, Sirius. As long as you tell me how you really feel, I’ll be happy.”

Sirius gave him a soft smile that reminded Remus of a time before, sitting there in it’s warm gaze he felt the sweetness of youth wash over him again. Even in his early twenties Remus felt that he’d already lived the pain of a thousand lifetimes. It felt good to remember that once he thought he could have the happiness of a thousand lifetimes too. And sitting here with Sirius, he thought for the first time that he might get to have that again.


	13. Epilogue

There were many more difficult conversations after that first one. Not all of them were as civil, even if they did their best to keep their calm around Harry. Harry’s visits to Auntie Minnie became weekly events in hopes that Sirius and Remus could use that time to unravel that complicated web of emotions that existed in each of them. 

Remus did his best to help Sirius through his nightmares. Even if some nights Sirius would scramble away from his touch and Remus’ heart would ache as he tried to remind himself that it wasn’t personal. Some mornings Sirius would apologize. Others he’d keep the distance until Remus managed to corner him and tell him to spit it out. 

Sometimes they’d write things down and leave them somewhere the other could find them when the words became too much. When everything was too heavy to say aloud.

Sirius worked to help coax Remus through his eating disorder, trying to schedule meals and read books on what was the best way to help him into recovery. Some days he’d get frustrated, feeling like Remus wasn’t trying, like Remus didn’t want to get better. Those days often lead to late night discussions after Harry was tucked into bed. Often there were heavy conversations about the missing year where Remus struggled to meet Sirius’ eyes, where he explained how some days he didn’t feel worthy of healing. Sirius would rub Remus’ hands reassuringly and apologize over and over again for how selfish he’d been. 

They had so much healing to do but they were getting there piece by piece. Slowly trying to excavate the pain out of one another’s hearts and trying to build a foundation of understanding. 

Months later, in the warmth of the first rays of summer, the three of them found themselves out at the park. Remus was sitting with Harry in the sandbox pushing a dump truck. He pointed at the truck and then curled his hands into Cs holding them so his fingertips touched before pulling them away in the BSL symbol for truck. They’d gone back to see Dr. Evans about Harry’s speech and while he was sure that Harry hadn’t lost the ability to speak, he explained to them that at least for now, Harry wasn’t ready to communicate in that way again. He suggested alternative forms of communications and they’d gone to the library to pick up resources. 

Always the teacher Remus had dived in headfirst, finding a local class for the three of them to attend and often falling asleep on the kitchen table in the midst of researching or learning new signs. Sirius knew Lily and James would be so proud of how hard Remus was working to do the best for Harry. 

It was there, after months of conversations, tears, and support groups, as Sirius stood there watching the two of them, that he had another one of those moments, the kind where he looked at Remus a little differently. Where the world seemed to slow and Remus was illuminated with the curve of the smile. He found himself staring, seeing Remus’ kindness and patience, seeing how much he cared, remembering how much he always had. Sirius watched them as they played and as Harry eventually nodded off face first into the sand. He watched Remus scoop him up gently and carry him back to the stroller, casting Sirius a funny look as he buckled Harry in. 

“What?” Remus asked, taking in the way that Sirius was looking at him. 

Sirius just shook his head and turned in the direction of home.

They walked most of the way in comfortable silence and Sirius was grateful for the ever decreasing tension between the two of them. That silence was returning to a shared understanding of one another and was no longer a warning of everything that was left unsaid. 

When they made it home, Remus scooped Harry up and tucked him into his crib before wandering back into the living room and sitting down on the couch next to Sirius.

“You want to tell me what that was about?”

Sirius answered his question with another one, “Can I kiss you?”

Remus opened his mouth to say something, shocked, before closing it again and nodding his head. 

“Can you… can you say it?” Sirius asked. 

“Yes,” Remus said. “Yes, you can kiss me.” And it felt so good to say aloud, to remind Sirius and himself that he wanted this. That he wanted him. 

Sirius leaned forward and pressed his lips to Remus’ and it was so different from their kisses at that last party. It wasn’t hungry or desperate. It was slow, and gentle, and hesitant but also sweet and kind. They both came out of it smiling, grinning idiotically at one another. 

Remus took Sirius’ hands in his. “Can I ask why now?”

“I think I was afraid,” Sirius said. “I know we’ve talked a lot about that night and what both of our thoughts on that situation were, and I think I had started to come to peace with it, but I was still so scared of hurting you. I can’t… I can’t lose you Remus, you’re all I have left. But seeing you in the park today, how you are with Harry I just…” he trailed off shaking his head at the well of unexplainable emotions. Remus squeezed his hand reassuringly, urging him to continue when he was ready. “I realized I was already losing a part of you by not being honest with myself, by not being honest with you. I needed to trust you and I realized that I already did and that maybe it was finally time for me to trust myself too.”

Remus smiled up at Sirius proudly before lifting up his feet and tucking himself against Sirius’ body. 

“Is this okay?” Remus asked, laying his head against his chest. 

“Yes,” Sirius told him, as he started to run his hand through Remus’ hair gently. The way he used to when they’d study together at Hogwarts, both of them pouring over the notes on Sirius’ lap, neither of them admitting they were too distracted by the other’s company to take in any of the information. 

“I missed this,” Remus said. “I missed being close to you, to showing you how much I care through my touch.” 

Remus raised one of his hands with his fingers extended outwards, raising it so his pointer finger touched his chin before he brought it down in the palm of his other hand. 

“What does that one mean?” Sirius asked. 

“Trust,” Remus said. Then he crossed his arms over his chest, touching fingers to opposite shoulders. 

“Love,” Sirius said, knowing that was one of the first signs he taught Harry. 

Remus then raised his right hand with his palm facing inwards and brushed the fingertips twice over the right side of his upper chest. 

“Don’t know that one either.”

“Comfort,” Remus said. “You’re my comfort, Sirius.”

And Sirius, unable to speak with tears in his eyes, simply lifted one hand with fingers spread out and moved it in a circle in front of them. 

“Family,” Remus supplied and then sat up so he could ask Sirius to kiss him again, basking in Sirius’ smile, and the joy in his voice as he said ‘Yes.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this ending makes up for the journey I've taken these two on. Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos mean the world to me!
> 
> A side note, I do not know BSL and my descriptions are based off my own research. If there are any concerns please let me know!


End file.
